Creative Life During a Pandemic

From the middle of March until about two weeks ago my anxiety and stress levels were crazy high thanks to COVID-19…the Pandemic—there’s nothing like a Pandemic to really make you question your life, your life goals, your creativity and your creative life, as well as your purpose. Not that I need a Pandemic to make me questions things, but when all of your squirrels are screaming “Pandemic” it’s hard to think much less focus on your creativity. SO while many of the people who were forced to stay at home were feeling immense creative urges, I wasn’t feeling off kilter—I work from home so it felt like it should have been no big deal.

Oh, but it was a BIG deal. There’s a difference between wanting to be home and being forced to be at home. Not to mention the fact that so many people were on the Web that it made uploading my videos take longer. It also overwhelmed YouTube, which was having issues—going Live on YT became problematic the end of March and the beginning of April. It’s not an issue anymore, but for a few weeks it was a major issue. I create videos for Patreon, but I’ve found that I really enjoy going Live on YouTube.

A few weeks ago, I finally got my shit together enough to get back on YouTube on a (mostly) consistent basis. Whew! It felt good to be back. I’d felt my creativity coming back slowly but surely thanks to being on Patreon and my Patrons, who are so supportive that they make me feel like I have something important to offer others—inspiration and motivation. There are a lot of great artist’s and writer’s out there. Numerous people who create videos about journaling and planning. Many of whom create absolutely wonderful videos about those topics. But the one thing you don’t see a whole lot of are pictures that aren’t curated, videos that aren’t majorly curated. I am not a “curated” kind of person.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with an aesthetically pleasing video and/or picture. I watch a lot of people who curate their videos on YouTube. I also follow a lot of people on Instagram who curate their images. I’m not saying that I don’t clean off part of my desk or craft table so that my videos look decent. Or that I don’t try to take a halfway decent photo when I do post to IG. But I prefer to capture the creative chaos that often ensues when I am creative, or to capture the outright mess on my desk, or the process—which is often times messy. Do I get watercolor all over me sometimes? I sure do. Do I sometimes get paint on my pretty white desk? Yes, and there have been times when I’ve had to get up from my desk and go to the kitchen to get the cleaner so I can clean my desk in the middle of a creative session. Gotta love when that happens.

Earlier today I went live on YouTube to show how to add “art” to your journal pages if you’re not someone who feels comfortable drawing, or you’re a beginner when it comes to drawing or doodling. I also tried out a new art supply—M. Graham Gouache, which is fantastic by the way. I love watercolor, but gouache is fun to experiment with (for now), and I’m hoping that the more I play with gouache the better I’ll get at it. It’s similar to watercolor but different.

Here is the link to my video: Journal Doodles with Me

Despite how much I’ve wanted to get back to blogging, I’ve been remiss. No, that’s the wrong word… I love blogging, but I guess I felt blocked, or maybe I’d been away from it for such a long while that it was easier to procrastinate than it was to just sit down and write a damn blog post. So I finally said “just do it.” So here I am, just doing it! Hope you’ve enjoyed it. Thank you, especially if you’ve made it this far.

Listening to your Inner Compass

Snapshot 1 (9-4-2017 6-34 PM)

I woke up the other morning with every intention of filming a plan with me video for Youtube. I made my coffee. Set everything up. My checklist of things to do before I filmed was done, but it felt like I was missing something. I went over my list and everything looked in order. However, I still felt like something was missing. So I thought maybe I’d film a journal with me instead. Nope. Still felt like something was missing only this time I got the sneaky suspicion that what was missing had nothing to do with my list, but was in fact an internal issue. (This has been going on, on and off, for the past few months.)

Your inner knowing is your only true compass. ~Joy Page

I took a mental inventory of what I needed to do and everything was in order with my “to-do” list. I then proceeded to do a bit of journaling, a brain dump so I could clear my mind. About halfway into clearing my mind via pen to paper I realized: 1. I was tired of the same old same old plan with me’s. 2. I didn’t want to do a plan with me to just do one. 3. Nor did I want to do a journal with me–I was behind with my journal pages in my “art” journal and it felt like the blank pages were mocking me. And, 4. I felt stuck in a rut with the type of videos I was doing–perhaps it’s because deep down inside I knew that I didn’t want to do a plan with me or a journal with me because of said rut.

I opened the fountain pen, I think I was using one of my TWSBI Eco’s, and put pen to paper again, this time to figure out why I was in a rut–what the rut was really about. Two pages into journaling about why I wasn’t journaling (sounds like a real conundrum doesn’t it, lol), or planning, and why I didn’t want to film a plan with me or a journal with me these sentences I’d just wrote stood out:

I feel like a hypocrite–this isn’t working. My planning system isn’t helping me get organized, and if I can’t get organized how am I supposed to stay organized? If I’m only planning so that I can create the video then it’s fake. If it’s fake then I’m not being authentic. If I’m not being authentic then I’m a hypocrite. And if I haven’t been documenting my day for the past few days then creating pages simply to film a video doesn’t feel like “documenting my life,” it feels like…well, it feels like I’m a big fake. 

I stopped filming the plan with me’s for Youtube, and instead filmed some of the attempts to find my method of planning. I shared some of those on Patreon, where I felt like I could freely share that I was having some issues. However, I didn’t outright say, “Hey y’all, I feel like a big fake, a hypocrite.” But I did talk about some of my issues. I talked, and talked about them–probably to the point that I was just going in circles, but that’s how I felt and it felt like sharing about the rut I was in, the struggle I was having with my planning, especially, was cathartic. I’m sure my Patrons were really tired of hearing about it, but they have no idea of how much that helped me figure things out. 😀 I truly have a wonderful tribe of Patrons, YT subs, friends and followers.

“Something deep in the human soul awakens as things fall apart. Something in the soul knows that everything in this world can become lost. And something in the soul knows how to survive periods of devastation, disorientation and loss. Descent and falling is the way of the soul from its beginning. We each fell from the womb of life when the waters of the inner sea broke and it came time for us to breathe on our own.”
― Michael Meade, Why the World Doesn’t End: Tales of Renewal in Times of Loss

After quite a few “brain dumps,” I started creating pages in my “art” journal again. Documenting my day once again felt natural. I mixed things up. Flip flopped back and forth between journals, between illustrating my day, and documenting my day using ephemera, pictures, and a bit of art here and there. After a lot of flip flopping back and forth between the Hobonichi and my DIY hybrid Bullet Journal/Omni Journal, I started doing things differently–finding my own way. And that’s when things started to fall into place.

The more I followed my inner compass, my conscience and/or intuition, the more excited I was, the happier I was, and the more creative I felt. Did it all come together overnight? No. I have had to work at it. I’ve had to figure things out as I go. It’s trial and error. But over the past few years, but especially this past year, I’ve delved into my “Why’s,” as well as my “Why Not’s.” The more I know about my own self, the better I take care of myself, the happier I am, the more creative I am.

I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. ~James Dean